i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
where does the pee come out of this thing
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
3pm strippers are depressing
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
