I think im going to throw up on grandma
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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