I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
