All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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