Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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