I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
