Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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