Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
