just survived the first fart of the relationship.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
