My Higher Power is John Stamos
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I need to align my fucking chakras
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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