so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
