Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
