Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
