I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
