I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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