Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
