Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
