I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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