Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
ugly people sure do ruin things
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
