I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
My day in three words: secret purse cake
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
