The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
