I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
