Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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