fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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