bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
