Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
