I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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