I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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