I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
