69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
