Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
