How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Randomize
