At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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