you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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