He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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