How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
