im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
