I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
