Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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