I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
