Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
