im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
