I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
My bed smells like the plague
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
