I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
