Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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