They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
