Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
