I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
