I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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