my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I need to wash the frat house off of me
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
