I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
he quoted the bible to break up with me
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
